Thursday, February 26, 2009

Its Better to Have Loved and Lost Than to Have Never Loved at All

You think that the title of my blog would be talking about a guy or an old relationship; something of that nature. But for those of you who have already read my blog or know me you know that's not what it's about. I'm a happily married woman - very blessed with a wonderful husband. So this is not about Scott.

This is about my father. His name is/was Lee. I am not sure on how to refer to him because of the way I have decided to deal with my situation. When I was born my father was a senior in high school. Not a "problem" most senior high school students have to deal with. Not many of them want to deal with that either. He was a typical guy. I don't blame him for anything...well I take that back. I blame him for one thing.

I blame him for not having a relationship with me. I have tried over the past 10 years, countless times, to try to get him to be more involved in my life. I love my father and I always will. He is not a bad man. He's just not at a point in his life where he wants to acknowledge that I'm HIS daughter and that it is HIS responsibility to have a father-daughter relationship with me.

As many of you know Scott and I have the wonderful opportunity to move to Alaska. And God has blessed us with a wonderful calling and we're very excited about our upcoming experiences. When this all happened I decided that I wasn't going to tell my father. To see if he would find out somehow and get in contact with me before I left. So before Scott left for Alaska two weeks ago, my Grandmother from my Mom's side of the family threw a going away party for him. She called my father and left him a message to let him know about all of the details and what we were doing.

Unknowingly he called her back while she was at my apartment to find out more. She told him about the job Scott was offered and that he was leaving in a few days. And that I would be here for a few more weeks and that he should get together with me. She gave him my phone number and he said he would call since he would be in town that weekend to visit my other Grandmother.

A few days go by and he didn't call. I thought well he might be busy with work, I will wait a few more days. A few MORE days go by and he never called. The weekend passed and on Sunday afternoon I realized where he would be and that he didn't want me there. Because if he did he would have called. And this whole stupid situation reminded me of that know. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. And I thought it was really sad that I related that movie to my situation. I mean come on, he's supposed to be my DAD!

Now mid week I receive a message from my Grandmother. The one that he visited that weekend. And I'm trying to figure out how she got my number...and it dawns on me. She got it from him. So he has the capability to say my phone number just not dial it. Okay I get it. I'm not a stupid woman. I'm just hoping for something that isn't going to happen. She made lunch arrangements with me and we had a good time. Now she can do it, why can't he?

Its because he doesn't want to. And it has taken me 10 years to figure that out. So after all of this debating, crying, hurting, and anger I've decided its not worth it. That I'm better than that and that I deserve more. So I'm leaving it...I'm leaving him in the past. And if one day he wakes up and realizes that I'm gone, it might be too late. Like I said, I love him and I always will. But I don't know that we can ever have the relationship I wanted.

There is no possible way he can be the Dad I want him to be now. The most he can be is my friend. And even though that hurts me SO bad, its okay. I'm okay and God will pull me through. God will carry me in this time of hurt. And he will lead me and protect me. Because he knows how difficult this is for me on a daily basis. So I will continue to pray for strength. And someday I will use this situation to empathize with a young girl who doesn't understand.

Because not knowing why someone does something can be the hardest thing.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Little Bit Discouraged

So for the past few months I have been trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. It has been hard because I don't make decisions very easily. I keep thinking okay I have decided...I am going to be a nurse! Then I see something that says, "Life is too short to waste your time doing something you don't love." And that's when I start thinking I should teach dance professionally.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I have the qualifications. I'm trying to figure out how to become a dance teacher that knows what their doing but I feel so discouraged because I don't have a very large dance background. Needless to say I just keep going back and forth. So what my real question is: What should I do? Do something I know I can be successful in that maybe I wouldn't necessarily be REALLY happy, or do the one thing I know makes me extremely happy but might not be so successful and easy? I know it seems like an easy question but for me it's not.

So the reason I wrote this blog is for every one's input. I want to know what your insight is on either becoming a Nurse or a Dance Teacher. Or if you don't do either profession what you think I should do. I'm not saying that your answers are going to determine what I do, but I think it would help to have some good opinions layed out before me. Thanks so much!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Scott and I were just married last year on July 20, 2009. Since then we've had, for the most part, a typical first year of marriage. Found an apartment, moved in, and we've been talking about the future and what our dreams and aspirations are. We've been praying for a while about Scott's profession and what he would find himself doing that would make him feel complete. Well, what I wasn't thinking about is that God always answers your prayers, just not in the way you think He will. He has answered our prayer. And I never expected that it would take us to Kenai, AK. I have lived in Seattle for 21 years. And Scott grew up near Boston, MA. So this is a big change for him and most of all me.

We visited the Kenai Peninsula in December after a few over the phone interviews Scott had with Pastor Brown of New Life Assembly of God. He had been interviewing for the position of Christian Education Director. When we visited, to state the obvious, it was a little chilly. But instantly we felt welcomed and knew that this opportunity was a rare one. So we decided that we would follow God's calling for us to move to Kenai and grow with the church and community.

Because I coach a high school dance team I didn't want to leave them at the end of their season. They have been doing extremely well and I wanted to finish with them. Scott however was very eager to get up there. He has spent the past months working in an enviornment that wasn't the easiest on him. Like I said, this opportunity is a very big blessing. So as of today Scott has been in Kenai for a week and a half. I knew that the time apart would be difficult but I didn't realize how it would impact me.

I'm not moving up until the very end of March. So the time away is about 6 1/2 weeks. We spent a few days apart last year and it was hard but this time its different. Now we're married and we've created such a unique and wonderful bond. It truly is like my heart is missing. I'm okay but I just dont have that much fun without him. Scott is my best friend and he gets me like no one else does. And doing things with out him is not fun for me. I'm glad that we have the opportunity to strengthen our relationship and grow but I'm not voting we do this again if we dont have to! I am definitely looking forward to moving up there and experiencing all Alaska has to offer with him. And I hope the time doesnt pass too slowly. Five weeks and counting!