Thursday, February 26, 2009

Its Better to Have Loved and Lost Than to Have Never Loved at All

You think that the title of my blog would be talking about a guy or an old relationship; something of that nature. But for those of you who have already read my blog or know me you know that's not what it's about. I'm a happily married woman - very blessed with a wonderful husband. So this is not about Scott.

This is about my father. His name is/was Lee. I am not sure on how to refer to him because of the way I have decided to deal with my situation. When I was born my father was a senior in high school. Not a "problem" most senior high school students have to deal with. Not many of them want to deal with that either. He was a typical guy. I don't blame him for anything...well I take that back. I blame him for one thing.

I blame him for not having a relationship with me. I have tried over the past 10 years, countless times, to try to get him to be more involved in my life. I love my father and I always will. He is not a bad man. He's just not at a point in his life where he wants to acknowledge that I'm HIS daughter and that it is HIS responsibility to have a father-daughter relationship with me.

As many of you know Scott and I have the wonderful opportunity to move to Alaska. And God has blessed us with a wonderful calling and we're very excited about our upcoming experiences. When this all happened I decided that I wasn't going to tell my father. To see if he would find out somehow and get in contact with me before I left. So before Scott left for Alaska two weeks ago, my Grandmother from my Mom's side of the family threw a going away party for him. She called my father and left him a message to let him know about all of the details and what we were doing.

Unknowingly he called her back while she was at my apartment to find out more. She told him about the job Scott was offered and that he was leaving in a few days. And that I would be here for a few more weeks and that he should get together with me. She gave him my phone number and he said he would call since he would be in town that weekend to visit my other Grandmother.

A few days go by and he didn't call. I thought well he might be busy with work, I will wait a few more days. A few MORE days go by and he never called. The weekend passed and on Sunday afternoon I realized where he would be and that he didn't want me there. Because if he did he would have called. And this whole stupid situation reminded me of that movie...you know. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. And I thought it was really sad that I related that movie to my situation. I mean come on, he's supposed to be my DAD!

Now mid week I receive a message from my Grandmother. The one that he visited that weekend. And I'm trying to figure out how she got my number...and it dawns on me. She got it from him. So he has the capability to say my phone number just not dial it. Okay I get it. I'm not a stupid woman. I'm just hoping for something that isn't going to happen. She made lunch arrangements with me and we had a good time. Now she can do it, why can't he?

Its because he doesn't want to. And it has taken me 10 years to figure that out. So after all of this debating, crying, hurting, and anger I've decided its not worth it. That I'm better than that and that I deserve more. So I'm leaving it...I'm leaving him in the past. And if one day he wakes up and realizes that I'm gone, it might be too late. Like I said, I love him and I always will. But I don't know that we can ever have the relationship I wanted.

There is no possible way he can be the Dad I want him to be now. The most he can be is my friend. And even though that hurts me SO bad, its okay. I'm okay and God will pull me through. God will carry me in this time of hurt. And he will lead me and protect me. Because he knows how difficult this is for me on a daily basis. So I will continue to pray for strength. And someday I will use this situation to empathize with a young girl who doesn't understand.

Because not knowing why someone does something can be the hardest thing.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Ashleigh,
    MY husband is in the same boat with his dad. You just have to keep doing what you do... I hope that makes sense. I will pray for you

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  2. DEAR ASHLIEGH

    I AM GOING TO COMMENT ON YOUR SITUATION FOR SELFISH REASONS AND I KNOW THAT ONCE YOU FINISH READING THIS YOU WILL HAVE GUESSED WHO I AM BEFORE I SIGN OFF. HERE ARE JUST A FEW REASONS I AM COMMENTING (REQUESTING).

    A. FROM THE FIRST DAY I HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM SCOTT I KNEW THEN THAT HE WAS EXCEPTIONALLY HAPPY AND I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM YOU.

    B. FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU, I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE MY THIRD DAUGHTER AND I COULDN'T WAIT FOR THAT TO BECOME REALITY.

    C. I HAVE KIDDED YOU FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW (ACTUALLY SINCE YOUR WEDDING DAY)TO PLEASE CALL ME "DAD". I KNOW FULLY I CANNOT TAKE YOUR REAL FATHERS PLACE BUT I WOULD SURE LIKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE SOME OF THAT HURT YOU'RE FEELING BY LETTING YOU AND I BECOMING CLOSER. I CAN DO THAT WITH THE LOVE I FEEL FOR YOU ASH, GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO HELP YOU HEAL.

    D. YOU KNOW SCOTT IS A LOT LIKE ME, SO YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT WHEN WE SAY WE LOVE YOU, IT IS FROM THE HEART.........SO ASH....I LOVE YOU DAUGHTER AND I AM (LIKE SCOTT)HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. WHEN YOU HURT SO DO I.

    LOVE YOU HON
    "DAD" LEVESQUE

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  3. Thanks Dad! That was very sweet of you to say and it made me feel a lot better. It is so nice to know that I have people around me that really care. I love you too!

    And thank you to Jessica for your prayers. I hope the situation gets better for your husband as well.

    ReplyDelete